Archive for October 24th, 2011

Holy Furry little Bum Cheeks! Where did the month go?! I had my trip to New Orleans and loved seeing my Blues Buddy again (I will never be able to think about pralines without laughing from now on) and the trip was amazing but I haven’t been able to get into the Halloween spirit. I’ve rented scary movies and while they make my little heart pitter-patter a bit faster, they don’t scare me like they used to. What is going on?

I’ve been struggling with the horror genre this month. It’s one thing to love the gory, gruesomeness that Halloween offers, it’s another thing all together to dream up these tortured souls and sadistic evil-doers. I just can’t bring myself to do it. It’s almost like a farce of the horror genre and clich├ęd, the imaginings that are unraveling in my head. They’re so tame.

I’m a scarily empathic person. I physically feel others’ pain and am so in tune with things it scares me sometimes. I think this 6th-sense attachment to others is frightening because I don’t want to put myself into a serial killer’s head or try to understand how a sadist thinks. As C.B. astutely pointed out, I have complete control over what materials are allowed to be read but that’s not enough for me. I don’t feel like I’m in a spot mentally and emotionally yet to work on a dark piece. This is definitely a genre that I want to return to, perhaps I’ll keep it on the back burner along with my CYOA (choose Your Own Adventure) to work on sporadically or perhaps not.

This inability to work on darker themes will be interesting to revisit when I work on the serious fiction story. That’s going to be a tough to do because it also deals with difficult topics (although not the thriller slasher kind) so perhaps in the span of a couple months I’ll be more prepared as a writer to come face to face with the grittier aspects of life that taint my rosy, optimistic point of view (and I work so hard to coat with a silver lining).

As I’ve said in the past, I’ll be happy with the outcome of this adventure regardless of how productive I am, but to be honest, that’s a lie. I want to be successful each month; I want to have a groaning shelf of manuscripts and have had a prolific year. That’s still possible but I feel like I’m making excuses now for my lack of effort. Really, how are we supposed to know what we can do if we don’t push ourselves? Maybe the world of horror isn’t so bad, I just have to cross the line. Perhaps it’s like getting a tattoo- scary the first time but in the end, those who know you don’t think of you any differently (at least to my knowledge they didn’t). They may even admire your gumption and spirit. Life also isn’t all good, there will be times when we learn about the rougher facets of ourselves. While I don’t want to know what I’m capable of, it’s important to be aware of all sides of myself.

As October comes to an end, I have to be more disciplined in the remaining months. I set a goal for myself and it’s currently on the skids but I can get things back together and accomplish most of what I set out to do. I don’t regret the decision to edit and submit the Western November 4th but I do understand now that I can’t do both at once- I have to either edit and tweak a piece I’ve finished or work on writing something new. Both aspects of the creative process are too intense to jump back and forth and they involve such different aspects that I can’t shut one off when I’m concentrating on the other.

Oh it’s tough being a creative soul *falling back onto a couch* but I wouldn’t change who I am for the world!

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