No I’m not retiring but I’m getting a feel for what it’s like. I’m only 4 years into my career and I had my first taste of being let go. It’s confusing. It’s scary. It’s frustrating. But most of all, I hate the fact that I’m not busy doing something. Three days into this “vacation” and I’ve already got cabin fever.
I know I neglected myself over the past 2 years and that’s unacceptable for my line of work. I’m like any other professional that relies on strength, health, and vitality. You wouldn’t want a firefighter to rescue you from a burning building if they were overweight and stressed out, would you? That’s no way for anyone to work and be able to do a good job. My integrity and work ethic has been pushed to the limits. I’ve been doing my best for so long but when I need to, I can’t allow myself to relax the stranglehold I have on my job performance requirements. It’s so hard to maintain that when you’re tired.
Maybe I haven’t been eating as well as I should be. Actually, I know I haven’t. A box of Timbits does not constitute a well-rounded meal. They, themselves are round, that’s about as close as I can get to justifying that choice for supper. Then there’s the issue of my sleeping patterns. Atrocious. Let’s leave it at that. My biggest problem though, is the gym. How can I take care of myself when I’m stagnant? Dancing is all well and good and my job keeps me on my feet and moving all day so that’s a bonus, but there’s nothing that compares to going to the gym and working out my frustrations in the pool or on the raquetball court. I need to sweat it out. Pure and simple.
No wonder I haven’t been able to sit down and write. I haven’t been able to take the time to look after my body so what makes me think I’ll be able to sit for extended periods of time to focus on the story and actively engage in the creative process? When your body is sick or tired or not functioning properly, the rest of you is affected as well. It’s unfortunate it’s required me to get to this point to discover that.
As everyone reminds me, when a door closes a window opens. Perhaps this window will lead to something drastically different that I’ve been to nervous in the past to initiate or perhaps it’s more of a corridor- I’ll resume my career after taking a small break to look after myself and get my feet back under me.
It feels like there’s nothing for me to do but that’s a lie. Between the writing and the gym my day could easily be consumed and what is more motivating than seeing a healthier me emerge and the satisfaction of a story evolving right before my very eyes? Growth and change take on a multitude of different forms. You have to appreciate the situation for what it is, not for what you’ve lost or what it could have been. As much as I would love to, there’s no going back, I can only go forward.
12 Novels in 12 Months 
Good for you! I’m sorry to hear about the job situation. Change is scary and growth isn’t easy. But as you know both are amazing if you’re willing to push through the moments of fear and difficulty. I’m so happy you have seen a lesson and already have some actions to take steps towards a better you. It is easy to beat ourselves up about not making better decisions but sometimes it does take a big wake up call to make us really truly see things clearly. Go easy on yourself and keep going forward. 🙂
Cat
Thanks, Cat. You’re so right. Unfortunately I’m an obstinate fool when it comes to giving something my all. It takes a lot to get me to see that things just aren’t going to work out and when to call it quits. I’m a little obtuse when it comes to subtle hints and little suggestions.
I’m excited about the next few months because life could end up going in very different directions. Only time will tell. Until then, writing is the perfect prescription for dealing with a situation like this.